Dedicated to Whoever Whom Does Not Get Enough Love
It is quite often when I implemented something at my work that have been solving the problems that have been there for years, I got some recognition for that.
But there was always something inside me, seeing that it was not perfect enough. Not good enough.
It could have been faster and better....
Out of the 100 bricks that I built, 98 were perfect and I only saw the 2 that were imperfect.
Almost all the times.
Perfectionist? Maybe.
But then, I got into this old memory of my childhood when my mother had a voucher to live in a luxury hotel actually. I just suddenly remembered this.
I remembered exactly that I didnt get to stay at that hotel with my father.
Instead, my mother gave it away to her sister. On a family occasion, I remembered bitterly how ourselves lived in a regular place, not sure if it was a hotel, but definitely my mom's sister stayed at that nice hotel.
We are not a very rich family, a luxury hotel like that is not something that we can enjoy.
If I were my mom, I would save it for my kid so that she can enjoy it.
And many more stories like that.
It accumulated until I started to think that I am not her number 1.
I never get the first priority.
If she had to choose between me and her sister, her sister will come first.
If she had to choose between her friend's kid and me, another kid will win.
It accumulated in my subconscious mind that I am not worthy enough as a kid, as the only kid.
She is not a bad mom, not at all. but I always think that I deserve a better treatment than that.
I have asked her, why she did that...Instead, she got angry with me.
Do you have the same experiences....who do you think that happened?
Tell me, because I dont understand.
I can not leave my life miserable knowing that I was not loved enough.
I learn from Ajahn Brahm on how to cultivate self-love.
I have to learn all the imperfection is my 'feature'. We should depend on noone, as it will just bring dissapointment. Perfection is hard but make peace is achieveable.
Much love,
Yustine H
But there was always something inside me, seeing that it was not perfect enough. Not good enough.
It could have been faster and better....
Out of the 100 bricks that I built, 98 were perfect and I only saw the 2 that were imperfect.
Almost all the times.
Perfectionist? Maybe.
But then, I got into this old memory of my childhood when my mother had a voucher to live in a luxury hotel actually. I just suddenly remembered this.
I remembered exactly that I didnt get to stay at that hotel with my father.
Instead, my mother gave it away to her sister. On a family occasion, I remembered bitterly how ourselves lived in a regular place, not sure if it was a hotel, but definitely my mom's sister stayed at that nice hotel.
We are not a very rich family, a luxury hotel like that is not something that we can enjoy.
If I were my mom, I would save it for my kid so that she can enjoy it.
And many more stories like that.
It accumulated until I started to think that I am not her number 1.
I never get the first priority.
If she had to choose between me and her sister, her sister will come first.
If she had to choose between her friend's kid and me, another kid will win.
It accumulated in my subconscious mind that I am not worthy enough as a kid, as the only kid.
She is not a bad mom, not at all. but I always think that I deserve a better treatment than that.
I have asked her, why she did that...Instead, she got angry with me.
Do you have the same experiences....who do you think that happened?
Tell me, because I dont understand.
I can not leave my life miserable knowing that I was not loved enough.
I learn from Ajahn Brahm on how to cultivate self-love.
I have to learn all the imperfection is my 'feature'. We should depend on noone, as it will just bring dissapointment. Perfection is hard but make peace is achieveable.
Much love,
Yustine H
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